Letter from New Zealand
The religion which attracts most adherents in New Zealand is Rugbyism. An estimated 2.2 million of our 4 million citizens are ardent disciples of this faith and all this week the newspapers, television news and radio chat programmes focussed on little else than the upcoming first mission crusade featuring the indigenous congregation calling itself All Blacks and the visiting British and Irish congregation known as the Lions. Wednesday night’s TV showed a huge banner being hoisted into place on Christchurch cathedral where my cobber Peter Beck, himself a Pom, is Dean. The banner, recalling the way that Daniel, cast into the Lion’s den, emerged victorious and unscathed, offered appropriate encouragement and the promise of divine assistance for the All Black congregation.
Lest you should think that Rugbyism is a belief system entirely centred on human passion, it is the most scientific of religions. Friday’s edition of the New Zealand Herald presented a detailed analysis of the heights, weights and ages of the two forward packs. In New Zealand where Rugbyism is a youthful religion the oldest forward was 26. The oldest of the British forwards was 36. I was discussing this with Richard the osteopath, whom I have to visit frequently as I still bear injuries from my own youthful dalliance with this religion. Richard, a Welshman, thinks that the age difference is entirely due to the respective climates and that in view of the long, dark winters in the northern hemisphere it takes devotees there longer to grow and to blossom. In the height charts two All Blacks attain 2.02 metres, while the two tallest Lions are only 1.98 metres. The heaviest All Black weighs in at 118kg; the heaviest Lion at 117kg. Scientifically speaking, the odds favour the All Black congregation.
All week long the two denominations have been engaging in the Litany of ‘my religion is better than your religion’. On paper, the Lions would appear to hold most of the evangelistic cards, as their Guardian of the holy text is none other than spin doctor Alastair Campbell – the self-same man who was once responsible for spinning British prime minister Tony Blair’s pronouncements, until he became too much of a liability because the British public no longer believed anything the Prime Minister was saying. While this might be perfectly acceptable in religion, it is not always so in politics where it can be construed as lying. However, lying in the cause of the religion of Rugbyism is perfectly legitimate particularly on the eve of two denominations preparing to engage in a mission crusade. So Father Smug (who is referred to within his own denomination as Sir Clive) was behaving in a perfectly orthodox fashion when insisting that there are no divisions within his congregation, and that a Welsh and an Irish forward certainly didn’t come to blows during a training session as the newspapers reported, but accidentally bumped heads, leaving one of them nursing an enormous black eye.
More black eyes are predicted because Father Smug’s congregation constitutes an ecumenical experiment, drawing together four congregations of quite different class, ethnic, cultural and linguistic backgrounds. For the initial mission crusade, the Welsh congregation has been largely assigned singing roles in the choir, the Irish congregation will conduct the warm-up choruses, while the English congregation have been allotted all the key ministerial roles in the liturgy. This is appropriate in Father Smug’s view because the English congregation was the group to which, through divine revelation, the Sacred Text was first delivered, and they alone among all congregations really understand what it means and possess the sole authority to interpret it. The Scots congregation are nowhere to be seen but have been assigned the important behind-the scenes tasks of hospitality and welcoming any new converts. But rumour has it that members of the non-English congregations are less than happy with Father Smug’s determination of responsibilities, and that we will shortly see the kind of dissent emerging which was one of the sad features of the ill-fated last Lions evangelistic mission to Australia.
The crusade began last evening in a packed out St Jade’s Cathedral in Christchurch. The rain and sleet seemed to affect the commitment of Father Smug’s mission team who performed well below par. The Rugbyism liturgy which they enacted before the eager fans was the unreformed version, stolid and unimaginative, of little appeal to New Zealanders. The All Blacks on the other hand espoused a joyous charismatic interpretation of the faith, performing with flair that moved the souls of the faithful who, had there been a roof on St Jade’s, would surely have raised it. It was no contest.
Father Smug however, detected the whiff of heresy amongst the All Black team and demanded that the Bench of Bishops reconvene the Inquisition to punish a couple of heretics. This retreat into mediaevalism is decidedly unecumenical. One understands Father Smug’s disappointment, particularly after Alastair Campbell’s heroic efforts to capture the media high ground, but folk religion in these islands suggests that Father Smug has lost sight of the grand mission strategy, and unless he now abandons his elderly English congregation and seeks inspiration from the Welsh and Irish congregations, this crusade will never get off the ground.
And as for lost souls, the Scots hospitality team is disconsolate, because despite all the planning and all the praying, not a single convert was made.
Lest you should think that Rugbyism is a belief system entirely centred on human passion, it is the most scientific of religions. Friday’s edition of the New Zealand Herald presented a detailed analysis of the heights, weights and ages of the two forward packs. In New Zealand where Rugbyism is a youthful religion the oldest forward was 26. The oldest of the British forwards was 36. I was discussing this with Richard the osteopath, whom I have to visit frequently as I still bear injuries from my own youthful dalliance with this religion. Richard, a Welshman, thinks that the age difference is entirely due to the respective climates and that in view of the long, dark winters in the northern hemisphere it takes devotees there longer to grow and to blossom. In the height charts two All Blacks attain 2.02 metres, while the two tallest Lions are only 1.98 metres. The heaviest All Black weighs in at 118kg; the heaviest Lion at 117kg. Scientifically speaking, the odds favour the All Black congregation.
All week long the two denominations have been engaging in the Litany of ‘my religion is better than your religion’. On paper, the Lions would appear to hold most of the evangelistic cards, as their Guardian of the holy text is none other than spin doctor Alastair Campbell – the self-same man who was once responsible for spinning British prime minister Tony Blair’s pronouncements, until he became too much of a liability because the British public no longer believed anything the Prime Minister was saying. While this might be perfectly acceptable in religion, it is not always so in politics where it can be construed as lying. However, lying in the cause of the religion of Rugbyism is perfectly legitimate particularly on the eve of two denominations preparing to engage in a mission crusade. So Father Smug (who is referred to within his own denomination as Sir Clive) was behaving in a perfectly orthodox fashion when insisting that there are no divisions within his congregation, and that a Welsh and an Irish forward certainly didn’t come to blows during a training session as the newspapers reported, but accidentally bumped heads, leaving one of them nursing an enormous black eye.
More black eyes are predicted because Father Smug’s congregation constitutes an ecumenical experiment, drawing together four congregations of quite different class, ethnic, cultural and linguistic backgrounds. For the initial mission crusade, the Welsh congregation has been largely assigned singing roles in the choir, the Irish congregation will conduct the warm-up choruses, while the English congregation have been allotted all the key ministerial roles in the liturgy. This is appropriate in Father Smug’s view because the English congregation was the group to which, through divine revelation, the Sacred Text was first delivered, and they alone among all congregations really understand what it means and possess the sole authority to interpret it. The Scots congregation are nowhere to be seen but have been assigned the important behind-the scenes tasks of hospitality and welcoming any new converts. But rumour has it that members of the non-English congregations are less than happy with Father Smug’s determination of responsibilities, and that we will shortly see the kind of dissent emerging which was one of the sad features of the ill-fated last Lions evangelistic mission to Australia.
The crusade began last evening in a packed out St Jade’s Cathedral in Christchurch. The rain and sleet seemed to affect the commitment of Father Smug’s mission team who performed well below par. The Rugbyism liturgy which they enacted before the eager fans was the unreformed version, stolid and unimaginative, of little appeal to New Zealanders. The All Blacks on the other hand espoused a joyous charismatic interpretation of the faith, performing with flair that moved the souls of the faithful who, had there been a roof on St Jade’s, would surely have raised it. It was no contest.
Father Smug however, detected the whiff of heresy amongst the All Black team and demanded that the Bench of Bishops reconvene the Inquisition to punish a couple of heretics. This retreat into mediaevalism is decidedly unecumenical. One understands Father Smug’s disappointment, particularly after Alastair Campbell’s heroic efforts to capture the media high ground, but folk religion in these islands suggests that Father Smug has lost sight of the grand mission strategy, and unless he now abandons his elderly English congregation and seeks inspiration from the Welsh and Irish congregations, this crusade will never get off the ground.
And as for lost souls, the Scots hospitality team is disconsolate, because despite all the planning and all the praying, not a single convert was made.
posted by MichaelElliott @ 2:00 PM
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